Tuesday, 10/Nov/2009
Looking for a lifestyle change? Why not be a douchebag!
Lately I've had to see a lot of people I knew or meet people who act like people I used to deal with. They all seem to be exactly alike, and I was, needless to say, alarmed, because there was some new trend in personality traits that everyone wanted to emulate. Then I figured out what was going on: it suddenly became "in" to be an elitist douchebag! I was amazed by this, and I thought that surely acting this asinine wouldn't last long.
But I was wrong. It's done so well that people are succeeding instead of failing. And by "succeeding," I mean joining irrelevant YouTube and Facebook groups and living at home with their parents. So of course this was something I had to get in on, and fast.
Now, when I started this website, I did it to criticize stupid half-baked ideologies about people I knew and were acquainted with in high school. Well, I haven't been in high school in a long time, but if I'm still writing these updates, then that must mean that almost 9 years later people still have the same half-baked ideologies, only they back it up with intellectualism, because, after all, a 4-year mediocre education in literature, a discipline where you learn about what people who never even set foot in college think about various topics, gives you clearance to talk about a lot of nothing like astronomy, which I can say with absolute certainty I care almost 0% about.
Really? Astronomy? Yeah, I liked astronomy when the Scholastic Book Fair would come and I got my books on the 9 8 planets, but to use that on some misguided crusade on what you consider "stupidity" isn't. But I'm not an intellectual. I come from the same place where writing a story about raping someone for a class assignment is socially unacceptable, so clearly I know nothing. Me and the various administrative and legislative branches of government across the world.
After I took some time to observe people, I figured out what makes the perfect douchebag, so I decided to share it with you guys, because I know you're eager to be an idiot.
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Attack peoples' fundamental beliefs, but don't take the time to argue your points when you're called out
Back in the day a lot of people used to complain about religious zealotry and how they imposed their beliefs on them. Now, the tables have turned. The very people who complained are now targeting the general public and calling them ignorant. I've stated before that I think it's a waste of time to discuss theology and religion. Not because I'm anti-religion/anti-theist (because I'm not), but because it does nobody any good. Neither side will listen to reason, so just shut up.
yeOf course, this isn't stopping anybody, so now that the tables are turned, the zealots pompously try to spread their word, but they avoid anyone who can provide a concisive argument against them because they're afraid that someone capable of poking holes in their flawed logic will expose them for the frauds they are, so they'll act like they're know-it-alls to an extent. They'll cower in front of those who you can't shout obscenities and offensive statements at and expect a serious response.
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Talk a lot about things that are meaningless like post-modern English literature, astrophysics, and politics on Facebook, blog Twitter
These are important issues that show you're really smart and you have depth. Now, chances are you job at Taco Bell really shoots down your credibility for talking about so many subjects, but hey, it's great to name drop. Carl Sagan, Immanuel Kant, Friedrich Engels, Stephen Hawking. See? Don't I appear to be super-smart and well-read? Sure do. And I still will be punching in at 5:30 tonight.
The great thing about the Internet is that because people are so lazy they won't bother checking the credibility of online authors. You know, unless they're the very people these authors fear (see 1.), then you're screwed. But you've got a fanbase with the varied vocabulary consisting of "fag", "homo", "loser", and "ideot[sic]", so you're still covered with your flaming posts. Or is that just "flames?"
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Share your sex life online, because we care
When I was 16 and was out getting handjobs, I'd put an away message bragging about the action I was about to get. I'd say stuff like "getting a handjob" or "got a burger at Jack-in-the-Box after I get a handjob" so my friends would say I'm awesome and girls I knew would say "ew." That got me a lot of attention, but I'm too sophisticated for attention, so I don't need clever messages showing an exchange between me and some androgynous woman I had "sex" with.
Well... actually, it turns out that when I was getting these aforementioned handjobs, my AFK messages were simply, "Away from my keybord," so I guess I lied...
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Publicly insult people, especially people you work with
When you're online, insult everyone you work with by listing private information about them, but be sure to mention online that you're legally allowed to do this, no matter how disgusting, unethical, and immoral it is. You're an intellectual douchebag, so you've realized that morals are just a restrictive measure implemented by the government to tell us how to live. Having standards and ethics is ridiculous. If someone does something nice for you or tells you they need your help, kick them in the balls! (if female, substitute breasts for balls) It's totally awesome to be above ethics when you're a douchebag, so don't let anyone hold you down!
By now you probably have a firm idea of how to carry out the douchebag attitude, so don't let me hold you back. Once you're making $30,000 a year and paying $200 a month to your mom, you'll be able to tell people you graduated with an Art History degree and you don't have to take anything from anybody. You pay bills, and don't let anyone take that away from you!
If this works for you, let me know! And don't forget to tell all your friends!